Never kick a girl when she’s down… especially when that girl is you!

So I had an OBNOXIOUS birthday celebration.  When I say obnoxious, I mean ridiculous for someone my age.  Thirty-two thankyouverymuch.  I can’t tell if people are trying to be polite or sarcastic when they say I look good for my age.  What the fuck? I mean, is 32 supposed to look like something I’m not?

My niece Noe and I

My niece Noe and I

Well anyways.  I’m getting distracted.  Do you see that amazing cake? Yeah well that’s only one of the MANY amazing things that I ate on my birthday.  Red velvet never felt so naughty!!!!  And let me tell you it wasn’t just cake and ice cream.  I’m talking wine, beer, shots, martinis, mojitos and tons more of things that I am too ashamed to list. Ok fine I’ll tell you.  Dim sum. Rice. Pasta. Bread. Cheese. Ummm… pretty much anything you put in front of me because “it’s my birthday” sort of excuse.  I went all out people! The celebration ranged from a pool-side potluck, a bbq family dinner, a martini lounge, a farm to table bistro (hey, it was paleo), a dim sum dive, and a five star restaurant.  I went BIG.  I basically celebrated like it was my last birthday. Hey, you never know these things.

As amazing as the celebration was (it was like a week-long), it really was over-shadowed by the following days of feeling shame, grief and absolute guilt.  I mean lets be honest, one cheat meal doesn’t ruin a diet. But a week of eating badly?

But wait! There’s more!

That week opened Pandora’s box.  I really haven’t recovered since then!  Yes, I know it’s the 12th of June.  Thanks for checking your calendar.  That’s twelve days of eating like shit.  Ok maybe not every meal but a MAJORITY of everything I’ve eaten has been definitely what I’d hashtag as FAILEOS.

So what’s a girl to do? Well, definitely not make it worst by kicking herself while she’s down. (OMG, am I seriously referring to myself in the third person?)  I realized the other day as I stood in front of the mirror inspecting my belly and giving myself dirty looks that I needed to stop slamming myself.  I often forget how far I’ve come.  I’m sure many of us do that to ourselves.  So many days it’s easy to feel down and frustrated.  That’s sooooo much easier than picking yourself up and giving yourself a motivating speech.  That takes work.  That takes some perseverance.  And some days, you just want to whine and bitch peacefully.

Don’t get me wrong I’ve been trying to pick myself up for days!  Today I was all set up to win.  I ate a great breakfast, packed myself a great lunch to bring to work.  Right when my class began the unthinkable happened.  I completely forgot my Assistant ordered fucking donuts. (Note to self: tell Assistant to stop ordering motherfucking donuts!)  I felt like my heart stopped when I saw that box.  Well OF COURSE I ATE ONE!  Hell, I didn’t even EAT my fucking lunch. I had the stupid panini sandwiches that were ordered for my class. Paninis with butter, cheese, lots of bread…. *rolls eyes*.  Oh it gets better.  I ate the cookies that came with the lunch.  And some dark chocolate.  Like holy fuck what did I just do to myself!!! LOL

I learned quite a lot about myself after all of this gorging.  Yes there are always lessons to be learned so read on.

Even when you plan, you will sometimes fail.  And that’s ok.  Case in point, my perfectly paleo lunch that was pre-packed.

Shit does not taste the same.  Seriously.  I kept looking for that familiar orgasmic pleasure in my mouth. Okay that was a little TMI but you know what I mean.  I think that’s why I kept eating so crappy. My craving was never satitated.  I kept eating different things to try and ignite that pleasure.  Never came.  Instead I had bad sugar headaches and a bloated tummy [insert dirty looks at self in the mirror].

Failure isn’t permanent and life-altering.  Although my eating was not up to par I still went on with my life like a proper adult. I still went to work. I kept up with my workouts.  Even had time to dog-sit. Although I felt like a failure I still was able to function properly in other parts of my life.  Guess I was a little dramatic huh?

You become so much more aware of your weaknesses when you fail.  Seriously.  I learned that I really can’t say no to chocolate.  The satiety didn’t come until I had dark chocolate (after my fat kid eating festival of course).  Can you believe that shit? I should have just had the stupid dark chocolate things to begin with.  Wasted calories!!!

The sum of small victories is equal to STRENGTH.  I know.  Super corny.  But it’s so true.  I remember the first time I lost my 1st pound. I barely cracked a smile.  I was like “well I probably just shit that out”.  Even some days when I look back at some victories I quickly say “yeah but I could have done better”.  Oh trust me, I do that ALL THE TIME.  You’re a liar if you say you never do that.  But hey, if you ever listed ALL of your victories side by side…. I’m sure I made my point.  Not babying yourself takes work.  Being honest with yourself isn’t fun.  Doing what is hard and uncomfortable is DEDICATION.  Those are things to be proud of!!

So enough of that.  I really do feel better (although I’m still in a sugar crash).  But I’m looking forward to getting back on my regular food, doing my regular routine, and being my regular neurotic self.  Here’s another visual to drive my point.

I know exactly how she feels!!

I know exactly how she feels!!

 

 

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One Response to Never kick a girl when she’s down… especially when that girl is you!

  1. guahanmommy says:

    First off, happy birthday (again!). So, I guess you already know that the bad week was transcontinental. Because things on this side of the Pacific were NO BETTER. V is just like his Auntie Koyu; he celebrates his birthday for DAYS. The spiral into self loathing began the Friday before his birthday, when he was treated to mini-early birthday cake, then the next day, his party was full of sugar-poison. You saw his cake. How could anyone say “NO” to that?!! HUH? You just can’t? And you know how Guam’s party tables are; they’re ridiculous. Then, we celebrated again on Sunday, because it was his “real” birthday…and he asked for FEETSA. By the time Monday rolled around, I felt like I was literally going to die. I was so beaten up from all the sugar and bad food. It took an added push from you girls to get back on the saddle. But here we are, riding again! Thanks for the motivation today and the conversation. It made my day! Love you! *fist bump

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